Hiding Isn’t Holiness: Finding Yourself Again in Christ

"What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

-Matt 16:26

The new year has begun! And with it, a flurry of resolutions geared towards self-improvement.

As Christian women, we might feel a pull to optimize our faith lives—to become "that Christian girl."

There's nothing wrong with discipline—especially in prayer, Scripture reading, and community. But there's also a danger in chasing such an ideal—you lose yourself.

I should know, I've been there.

Admittedly, I was a bit of a try-hard growing up. Like many little girls, I wanted to be liked. But I wasn't a perfectionist either. I could move about my day just fine even if I missed a few questions on a test or accidentally said the wrong thing to a stranger. I got plenty of affirmation from my parents and had close friendships that made me feel secure.

However, as I grew into a teenager and deepened my faith, I entered a pressure-cooker of expectations:

• I had to read my Bible everyday or I'd feel guilty.

• I had to downplay my opinions and feelings to make others comfortable.

• I had to neglect my interests in favor of church involvement.

Most importantly, I had to be a good Christian girl.

Now, I do believe that Christ is Lord and as believers, we should live for Him (Gal 2:20). But I also believe that this life of devotion is rooted in love, not fear (2 Tim 1:7).

When asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus said "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength" (Mrk 12:30).

It's clear that we are meant to live all-in for God. And at the same time, this devotion is rooted in love. It doesn't require us to suppress our feelings, thoughts, or abilities but to align them with our faith and love for the Lord.

Jesus wants our entire beings. Faith is not about external actions but about the state of our relationship with Him.

However, American Evangelicals like to focus on the external, measurable evidence for faith rather than faith itself. Church gatherings often become about what we can do for the Lord. This can easily lead to sermons that sound more like motivational speeches than Scriptural messages: "volunteer in kids' ministry, go on a missions trip, attend more Bible studies!" This creates a never-ending to-do list and for us conscientious Christians, a nagging feeling that because we have limits, we're never doing enough.

But even Jesus had limits.

Jesus Himself had human limits (Phil 2:7). After preaching or performing miracles, He would often go away to be alone (Mrk 1:35, Lk 5:15, Mrk 6:31, Matt 14:13, Matt 15:91). Sometimes, this meant prayer and other times, a nap (Matt 8:25).

In addition to embracing His human limits, he also welcomed joy into His life—He attended weddings and parties and didn't turn down a dinner party hosted by a friend (Jn 2:1-2, Lk 10:38).

He was such a person of joy that He was criticized for being the ancient equivalent of a partier:

"The Son of Man... feasts and drinks, and you say 'He's a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!' But wisdom is shown to be right by His results" (Matt 11:19).

Could Jesus be saying that it's wise to enjoy un-churchy parts of life? That there's goodness in being with even non-Christian friends, savoring a delicious meal, and even having a drink?

I think so.

So, how did we get here—insisting on cookie cutter Christian activities to prove our devotion to the Lord?

I think that part of our flesh, our sin nature that insists we know better than God is a desire to earn our way to heaven. Just like our fleshly desire for self-gratification, we also have a bent towards religion—to be good in our own eyes. We're modern-day Pharisees, inventing rules and regulations that aren't in the Word of God.

So many believers and churches are driven by a Spirit of fear, encouraging legalism over wisdom and freedom in Christ.

During high school and college, I constantly tried to be good by religion's standards, to avoid shame. But presenting perfection cost me my authenticity. And it took me years to realize that this was a loss, that God loves my individuality.

He doesn't want me to suppress the woman that He made in order to appear the "perfect Christian girl." He wants my true self, not a fake version. And He wants me to be balanced, to enjoy the variety and mundanity of life. He doesn't need everyone to be a 24/7 church volunteer, He has so much more for us.

Slowly, verse by verse, He showed me the truth:

• "All things were made by Him and for Him" (Col 1:16-20)

  • Jesus is the author of all good things: music, naps, laughter, a warm bath, and tortilla chips. Nothing exists without what He has provided. God delights in the variety of His creation (Ps 24:1, 104:24). So, we can do the same!

• "For you created me in my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Ps 139:13-14).

  • God created me intentionally. He treasures my individuality and my uniqueness is not a surprise to Him. He does not need me to fit into the Christian cookie-cutter mold.

• "I am the gate, whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out and find pasture" (John 10:9).

  • According to "the Expositor's Bible,"the phrase "to go in and out" is an expression to denote the free activity of daily life, to all the autonomous actions of a person's life (Dods). This means that Jesus wants us to have free will, to enjoy the mundanity of our daily lives.

• "I will give [you]... a new name" (Rev 2:17)

  • God knows our truest identity, and each of us has our own unique name. We shouldn't be surprised as the Father and Jesus love to give nicknames signaling our true identities (Gen 17:4, Mrk 3:17, Matt 16:18).

If you've been taught to disregard, distrust, or even despise your individuality, ask God to show your true identity in Him.

This simple prayer can be helpful:

• What do you love about me, Lord?

• How do you see me?

• Who do you say I am, what is my true identity?

It may take weeks, months, or even years to get an answer. But don't stop asking.

God might speak through Scripture, other people, or impressions on your heart. Be alert and expectant for His answer.

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If you grew up in the faith, you might know verses like "He must increase but I must decrease" (Jn 3:30).

And this is a reality of the Christian faith—dying to ourselves so we can live for Christ (Lk 9:23-24).

So, how do we hold these two truths at once? How do we fully surrender to God while embracing lives of authenticity and joy?

I think that the answer lies in my little Shi-tzu mix, Pudge.

I LOVE Pudge. I love his big eyes and his underbite and most of all, his big personalty.

He's playful and anxious and sweet and needy and a little stubborn.

And aside from helping him feel less fearful, I have no desire to change his personality. I want him to ask for belly rubs and to sleep in and to play with his squeaky toys.

At the same time, I want him to grow in obedience. I want him listen to me because I know how to guide him to wellbeing and joy.

I don't want to change Pudge's essence, I want his will to bend to mine because he trusts me.

I think that God wants the same for us. Owning Pudge has taught me that growing in submission to the Lord does not mean abandoning my true self. In fact, God wants me to life into my truest identity.

He rejoices in our individuality and he is compassionate towards us. He purposefully made Gideon cautious, David emotional, Habakuk honest, and Peter fiery.

From the way the church often operates, you would think that God is a manger who needs his employees to meet certain metrics and act in accordance with the company code.

But He is more like an artist delighting in the diversity of His creation.

Or a good dad raising his children, teaching them obedience, yes, but also nurturing their unique potential.

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1 Corinthians 12:12-26 used to be one of my least favorite verses in the Bible.

"The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up the one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ...

If the ear says 'I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,' would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear?...

But the body has many parts, and God has put each part just where He wants it....

The can never say to the hand 'I don't need you.'...

This makes for harmony among all the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad."

Growing up, it felt like pastors would use this passage to guilt the congregation into yet another service opportunity. But after discovering God's love for diverse personalities, it became one of my favorite church-related messages: each of us is unique. And that's not a problem in God's view. In fact, it's by design.

Mother Teresa is distinct from Billy Graham who is distinct from Lauren Daigle who is distinct from Martin Luther King Jr. who is distinct from Tim Hawkins who is distinct from C.S Lewis who is distinct from Joanna Gaines.

God delights in the diversity of our unique personalities and giftings. He doesn't expect us to all be the same. We don't need to share the exact same lifestyles or passions. We just have to honor each other.

God Himself is three persons, united in love. He wants us to be the same.

He gives us unique personal purposes and roles, while weaving us together into one body.

We don't need to fit a mold. We don't need to become "that Christian girl" to feel good enough or be close to God. He rejoices over you, the true you (Zeph 3:17).

I want to end with this passage from Galatians:

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take a stand! never again let anyone put a yoke of slavery on you... When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ... For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard for religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love" (Gal 5:1-6).

So, don't be afraid to invest in finding your unique identity, your particular purpose. God rejoices in your authentic individuality and longs to nurture your gifts.

Next time you find yourself too introverted to go to yet another church event or dreaming of a business idea that isn't directly tied to missions, don't reject yourself right away. Pray, consider the Lord's leading, and ask Him how He wants you to honor Him—with your unique makeup, interests, and essence.

Holiness isn't hiding who you are.

Consider this your permission slip. Don't be afraid of your individuality, celebrate it. Work to discover the purposes God has for you. Embrace your authentic self.

Until next time,

Megan